Damn You Emotions! Work With Me Here
Dammit emotions! Can't you just get on board with forward progress? Why do you have to be such a controlling asshole that just wants to interrupt logic and forward momentum through a constant reminder that something sucks. I know it sucks, but can we all just work together to strive for something good for the future rather than act as a distraction? Why do you have to be dumb?
Hello website and readers, it has been awhile. I'm sorry I left and abandoned my project. The concept behind this site is about constantly striving to delve into whatever the hell is on my mind in fun and ranty like ways. Thing is, big life changing events that are not quite happy ones sort of made the process difficult. Focusing on anything but those events and what was coming because of them became nigh impossible, my brain just simply would not cooperate with putting work into something that made me happy and feel accomplished (weird how that works, huh?). Sorry to be vague about the events, but there are certain things that I believe should stay private, and that is topics that will impact someone else in my life in a negative way by discussing it publicly.
Not that depressing events are an excuse to stop doing things that are good for me. Actually, the fact that it was used as an excuse is why I want to talk about the destructive forces in my own head that prevented me from doing something good for myself.
Emotions and empathy are a big part of what makes us all special and capable of being great, though in the same vein, they also seem to be programmed to have a self-destruct button with a trigger happy commander that enjoys watching the world burn at the smallest sign of conflict in control of it. Like a president of your brain that has no business being responsible for such a dangerous weapon.
I was tempted to draw a particular presidential candidate from the 2016 elections, but decided not to. Anyhow, as I've been moving forward on a life changing decision due to some really shitty events, I've come very in tune with the imperfections of the mind and how far emotions can drive us into making mistakes. They can be this overpowering force that seek to just focus on negative aspects of a situation. If I am unable to stay focused on what will move life forward despite the circumstances and plan for what needs to happen to adjust my life around a tragedy, how do I better my situation? It all seems to devolve into this fight with myself to either stop the bullshit or succumb to it and be driven to make a really bad decision just because it is easier and may stop the misery for a bit.
People go and drink away their misery, thus messing with their brain chemistry in the process and prolonging that misery in the long run or making brand new horrible mistakes to add to the list. Booze was my answer in my youth (teenage years until mid-20's), and that was primarily to deal with my social anxiety. If I was drinking, I could communicate more freely without processing all of my thoughts through a bunch of self critical filters. I'd just have to process all my actions after the fact. It was like this whole "ask for forgiveness, not permission" approach to dealing with a problem.
Want to know how I dealt with the guilt that came from doing some really dumb shit while drunk? I drank more! What a great solution. It was like this ever-repeating system of procrastinating my need to deal with my emotions and short-comings, just letting them build up until they broke through the drunk and made a panic attack occur right in the middle of a busy public place. If it wasn't for some friends dragging me away, I wouldn't be surprised if I would have ended up in some form of prolonged mental care. Let's just say, I haven't gotten drunk since then, and I wouldn't get drunk now to cope. I was scared straight, unlike the kids in that one show where they got yelled out by convicted rapists, I believe it was called Toddlers & Tiaras.
People also tend to wallow in the misery and stop taking care of themselves. They just decide that this is life now, and the whole world sucks. I was very tempted to do just that and during a few of the days since the event, I have indulged in that behavior, even when the logical side of my brain was yelling at me to go and get some things done. Go write, go clean, go do something to progress life forward, though it was so much easier to just lay there, frown my face into a permanent wrinkle and give into the futility of all the bullshit. Life is a series of ups and downs, successes and failures, happiness and sadness, chocolate and peas (I hate peas). When sadness is at a peak, it is easy to see the world only from that filter and think that if you do get over this, you are just going to have to deal with this again sometime in the future during another, inevitable low point. Though, what is the point in thinking that way? Why is the negative so damn strong and easy to focus on? Survival instincts, that's fucking why.
Being happy, seeing a sunrise, smelling the flowers, masturbating, masturbating in a field of flowers during a sunrise. It is all nice and wonderful, but is not essential in surviving the dangers of the natural world. The noise behind the bush, the feelings of hunger, the smell of a fire, that shit was essential and needed to take up our mental focus because not allowing it to do so could mean death. The positive stuff may make life happier, but the negative shit could potentially lead to the end of life in a matter of moments. It is more immediate, more crucial, or... well, I should say that it use to be. In general, those with an internet connection and the ability to read this do not have to worry about a lion in the bush or starvation if they aren't hyper aware of their surroundings. We are fucking fine, and this new world with new needs should come with a new set of focuses that drive to push us forward towards happiness. It is like we are trying to use a brand new computer, but it is still operating on Windows 95. The full potential is stifled by outdated technology.
It is frustrating that it takes battling myself to stay strong and stand a chance to make the right decisions. Though learning how to cope and understand that things will be okay if I just recognize the faults, embrace them, and learn to overcome them is a part of moving forward. To learn to focus on the good moments that come since it isn't within our natural instinct to do so can be very hard. We have the ability to be better and adapt, it is a struggle sometimes, but it is a worthwhile struggle.
That is why I am writing again, because I know it feels good to do so, it feels good to get it out, to process the thoughts through a filter, and try and come to a positive conclusion. This all may only help me, but the hope is that it might help someone else too. Knowing that I am not alone in how I feel helps me, it also helps me to know for certain that everything will be okay as long as I push forward. Even if these stupid emotions that are there to help me connect with others, know how to care about others, and build strong relationships are currently working against me.
I realize that this post may not have contained as many witty remarks or moments of levity. For that, I apologize. So here is a joke:
A professor stands in front of his class and asks the question, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?"
"Miss Callahan!" He states aloud, picking a girl in the front row of the class to answer.
The indicated girl stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question."
The professor says, "That is all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom.
Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement."
The professor replies, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." He then turns to Miss Callahan and says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you. - Joke Paraphrased From the Film, Kinsey